More Anxious

I had my first panic attack. I actually had to research the symptoms and the result that came up were a panic attack, just to make sure. Letting you know that I don’t have anxiety disorder or that it’s in any record. Just want to be clear here. I don’t want to self diagnose as I think I’ll be disrespectful to those who actually have it. Also, I believe I don’t have an anxiety disorder, because I’d compared myself to a close friend who has anxiety and used to have depression. Including that I had looked up the meaning of it (lol relying on the internet) and getting a more understanding what it actually defines as. It wasn’t a great feeling. Just a few days, I was starting to feel a bit better, more stress came in. I could say is that I cried in front of 2 strangers and had a dark cloud over my head for around 4 days.
This month had been productive and depressing as well. But I have to look forward and move it I guess.

Illustration of the post. Sorry for a slightly negative post.

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The Down Moment

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I had mentioned in previous posts. There was this one moment in my life in 2016 that made me felt pretty negative. Oh my god, is this going to be like a story time post. I never know how these post turns out. I just pour out the thoughts from what I can remember, then I’ll review and edit it.

First I want to say that, everyone gonna have one of their down moments and I had one of them. Not anything special.

I should begin where I was working on this project, which is was great of an opportunity for my team. Big for us, we’re working on this brand and cool for our portfolios. However it was meant to be a 3 months project as that the people (I assumed like the producers role they have) we had teamed up was aiming for that duration to complete it. Also to mention we get paid when the project is completed from profit. So during the production, we’re working for no pay, which could be expected in this industry I’m in. I had hoped that it was gonna be give or take, because you never know if anything is gonna happen like bugs, changes from feedback and etc…That 3 months expanded for (wished to be) another 3 months. That’s fine. We got down the mechanics and the design as we were been okayed with it and move on trying to finish it. I’ve put my best effort on working on my part. I wasn’t sure if I was working hard, because I performed 6 days a week and start around 8am-8pm (with breaks of course). I think stress came to me which is not that common for me. This lead me burst into tears in my bed. At the time my thoughts on my mind were “what the heck?” I half knew and half didn’t know why I was in tears.
The next day, I had a chat with a good friend and that relived me. I moved on and worked. I still had that depressing feeling but not as bad as before. I saw that I only had a few pieces left to complete. Suddenly, we got this message about they weren’t happy with the look and wanted to bring another person in to create another look.

That moment when I read that message, I exploded with tears and mixed with feelings, in front of my desktop screen. Sad, angry and stress at the same time.  It made me questioned everything in my life and my existences, in a negative way.

What made me upset the most was my time was wasted and the work as well. Yes, some ideas and designs could not be in use, if the higher ups don’t like it and continue to keep up with the concepts mid the pre-production stage, that’s normal. Yet, they gave us the okayed on the look and move onto the production. Basically, we went to from stage 1 finally moving up to say, stage 7 then back to stage 1. Trust me this happened a few times in the beginning.

I’m not sure if this made me sounds like a diva or entitled or something, beats me. I had worked on projects before when I was still studying and once I graduated. All went fine and  there were minor changes were made. From what one of my teammate had said, and I kind of agree, was that they don’t seem to know how the pre-production/production works. They had worked on another projects before, but I don’t think they’re not actually involved with the labouring parts.

To be honest, I’m kind of afraid on I had posted this and probably be judged on my thoughts with this situation. As I said before, I don’t want to sound like a entitled person. I believe I’m still new within the industry even though now it’s been 2 years, I guess it’s still new-ish compared to others. But anyways, that’s my story to share. Perhaps maybe, I’m gonna edit this again after coming back to this post over.

Talk about boring…

I’ll post something more happier. Presumedly, my third part of my Carins trip. Totally forgot about that.

L